The Cleanse That Makes No Sense

I have recently come across a number of people asking me about -- or telling me they were on -- the Master Cleanse/Lemonade Diet, so I figured, "why not blog about it?"

If you thought I was put off by proponents of food combining, you ain't seen nothing yet.

It all begins with The Master Cleanser, published in 1976 by Stanley Burroughs, which should appear in the dictionary next to the word "hogwash".

Make that unhealthy hogwash.

It simply consists of consuming nothing but an atrocious-sounding concoction of freshly squeezed lemon juice, maple syrup (oh, I’m sorry, Grade B maple syrup) and cayenne pepper six to twelve times a day for at least ten days.

That’s right, the real hardcore cleansers are on this for up to 40 days!

Oh, I forgot to mention that sometimes “laxative teas” are recommended, as is starting your morning off with a 32 ounce glass of lukewarm water with sea salt in it.

Yum! What a wonderful event to look forward as you drift off to Slumber Land each night.

Forget “Master Cleanse,” the real name should be “The Masochist Cleanse.”

Seriously, why anyone would willingly drink this blows my mind.

In any case, proponents claims that this is the only way for your body to "detox" by releasing toxins stored in fat cells.

The cleanse, they say, and particularly the cayenne pepper, "physically loosens" the impacted toxins in your colon that have been stuck to your intestinal walls for weeks, months, even years!

Gasp! Shock! Eyeroll.

Clearly, the proponents have never read about that wonderful machine known as the human body.

After all, the kidneys and liver are the main detoxifying organs.

The kidneys are responsible for the production of urine, which is basically the lump sum of all the waste and leftover junk from metabolic processes.

There is no need to do any further detoxing.

If anything, the best way to keep everything moving through your body is by consuming sufficient amounts of fiber and staying hydrated.

This is, in essence, a very low calorie (and very disgusting tasting) die that adds up to roughly 1,000 calories a day.

Proponents claim these three ingredients provide all the nutritional requirements.

Really? The three ingredients offer no protein, monounsaturated fats, Omega-3 fatty acids, Omega-6 fatty acids, fiber, folate, B6, or B12, approximately two percent of the daily value of vitamins A, E, and K, and a measly quarter of a day's worth of potassium, iron, and calcium.

The only nutrient obtained at or above the daily requirement is manganese.

Like with all other very low calorie diets, you can expect to gain the weight back when you begin ingesting solid food and consuming more than 1,000 calories.

File this one under "unhealthy liquid fasts that should be banished from mainstream culture."